I have noticed a recurring pattern in a number of my individual clients who have been referred to me via their employer assistance programmes.

These programmes are becoming more and more popular among employers who want to take care of their work force and see one very useful way of doing this is through an external provider which can offer time limited, solution focused counselling support.

I have been doing solution focused work alongside my couples’ therapy for almost two years. I have seen the difference it can make to individual clients - and I can also see the benefits for employers who want support their staff by offering practical support which will ideally enable them to remain in work.

Now, this may seem a minor observation - but it isn’t.

I have worked with a number of clients who say ‘sorry’ far too often, instinctively, unthinkingly, automatically. Their conversation is littered with apologies and frequently, a client will start any response or question with the phrase, ‘Sorry if this is a silly question ….’

It’s something I try to immediately address. Apologising is a skill, and a precious one. But if it is used too often we have to think what purpose it is serving for us.
When it is a maladaptive response, it is often something we inherit from childhood. The client, now an adult, discovered, growing up, that ‘sorry’ was a useful word within the family structure and apologising became a way to try to avoid shame, embarrassment and discomfort.

By responding in this way to me, even before a word has been spoken, my client has judged, dismissed and invalidated themselves. “I acknowledge what you are about to see in me or find out about me.” “I am only too aware and recognise my shortcomings.”

By apologising, my client is trying to take control over something that is beyond their control ie how I will perceive them. The ‘sorry’ is a means to control this because they feel out of control.

It is hard for clients to catch themselves in order to stop. How can you catch the self-criticism, interrupt it and find more self-compassionate ways to see yourself?

Firstly, we have to unpick the family dynamic and explore from where these ‘sorries’ originate. Often it is the result of a critical parent, of not feeling good enough as a child, of believing you are a disappointment to your family. Bullying at school can also be a factor and a feeling that you don’t belong or fit in.
Revisiting this can be painful but also restorative, bringing greater self-awareness which will hopefully result in greater self-compassion.

But then on to the next step. How can you change years of automatic response? Everyone is different but once the client can accept what lies underneath the apology, there is a real understanding and motivation to change.

Some simple ideas - count in your head to three before answering or choose another stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry. Maybe something like “I see”, or a simple ‘ok’, any phrase which makes people know they have been heard but doesn’t start you down the path of apology for who you are. Sorry can be the hardest word.

In the eight years I have been practising, I have worked with multiple couples who have approached me for counselling following an infidelity.

I have found that in the first few weeks, there is very little interventionist work you can do. The relationship has suffered a massive rupture and the role of counselling, in this first instance, is often simply to ‘hold’ the couple in place.

They have come to counselling after the shock of infidelity is discovered or confessed. The couple is gripped by fear and pain and to sit with it, unsupported, feels close to unbearable. In most instances, while the sexual infidelity wounds deeply, more often it is the lies which have been told to enable the infidelity which create the deepest wound.

As a couples’ counsellor I am duty bound to be non-judgemental and manage both individuals with equal positive regard.

As a positive, the fact the couple has come to counselling indicates to me they want to make sense of what has happened and, if possible, find a way through to create a new version of their relationship.

Trust, once shattered, can take many months, even years, to be cautiously restored.

While there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach, I believe that total transparency on the part of the cheating partner has to be offered. This means access to their phone, putting defensiveness completely to one side.

There does come a point though when a cheating partner can only be remorseful for so long.

When I sense a shift, we can then work on rebuilding the relationship with the aim of creating a new version in which there is greater acknowledgement of how and why the infidelity occurred.

Often – but not always - infidelity can be a consequence of unmet needs in a relationship, emotional and/or sexual. There can be contextual reasons ie if one person feels stressed, one partner feels bored, the relationship has slipped into a rut.

There can sometimes be historical attachment-based reasons which prompt a partner to stray. But all too often, the relationship has become predictable or too transaction based; the key ingredients for a successful relationship such as having fun together, having a separate individual life and spending quality time together have been neglected.

It is my role to help the couple break this down and come to a mutual understanding of what needs to change in their relationship for it to thrive.

Often, after the initial tranche of work, I will send the couple away and we will follow up with monthly sessions which will hopefully encourage them to stay focused but also feel more secure they can overcome the infidelity without the regular therapy sessions.

I have found it is a formula which, by and large, seems to work.

Sex isn’t going to appear from nowhere when you’ve emptied washing the machine, paid the council tax and tried to get your kids back to sleep for the third time in six hours. Understandably you are in a constant state of exhaustion.

Even without day to day pressures, after a while, in a long term relationship, sex rarely happens spontaneously. This can be partly out of tiredness and routine. But we also know that desire in long-term relationships involves two needs that push against each other. On the one hand, we need security, familiarity and predictability. But we also need adventure, unpredictability and surprise.

The problem is that we are asking all of this from one person.

Bringing back passion into a relationship takes a deliberate effort. Don’t wait for it because it won’t come to you by itself.

In my eight years working as a couples’ therapist I have become more and more an advocate of couples scheduling sex. It is particularly useful when there are young children around but it can work just as well for any couple at any stage in their relationship.

There has been a lot of solid research in this area with many of the best studies emerging from Norway, a country which consciously endeavours to explore diverse markers of wellbeing within its population.

A couples’ satisfaction with their physical relationship is a key indicator of how contented their life is.
This means couples have to deliberately create opportunities and space to be with each other in a sexual or at least a physical way.

It may feel awkward at first.

As explained by Esther Perel, the qualities of a relationship that grow love – mutuality, protection, safety, predictability, responsibility for the other – are the very things that will smother desire.

The secret to desire lies in being able to stay connected with the childlike part of ourselves that’s playful, humorous, selfish, while also being able to be generous, considerate and respectful.

Scheduling sex can be done in a playful way. It can even elongate the intimacy between a couple as there is this secret agreement between the two of you which involves anticipation and alignment. You are saying to one another this is important to our relationship. I am taking care of it, prioritising it. This is important for us and for me.

So when one of you becomes aware sex hasn’t featured in your life for what feels too long, have a conversation about it, maybe consider couples’ counselling – or get your diaries out.

One of the more frustrating aspects I observe in couples’ behaviour is the reluctance for a partner to ask.

‘I don’t like to ask,’ ‘I shouldn’t have to ask,’ ‘I’m not used to asking, ‘I feel awkward if I have to ask.’
My simple response is that your partner is not a mind reader - and through counselling - we can explore and learn better ways to ask.

Even the most healthy connections can struggle with making a request.

All I would say is that the consequence of being unable to ask can often result in growing resentment and an ‘in tray’ of grievances and disappointment.

So how to ask well? A simple rule is to start your sentences with the word ‘I’ not ‘You’. ‘I would really appreciate a conversation about this.’ ‘I have been feeling a little ignored/ unhappy/ irritated….’

Perhaps even invite your partner to the conversation to create a greater sense of control and reasonableness. It may sound obvious but sit down to talk. Or have the conversation outside as it may make you feel more in control.

By asking we are making ourselves vulnerable because our partner may refuse to listen or consider the request. It feels like a risk. Sex often crops up as an area in which asking feels so dangerous due to the fear of rejection. This is why as well as learning the best ways to ask, couples also need to learn how best to respond. This can be practised in counselling.

I really believe by simply having the conversation – even if no solution or compromise can be found – is a healthy first step and can create a greater sense of connection.

In my seven years’ experience of working with couples, the most difficult relationships to turn around are those in which communication has pretty much disintegrated and partners are mostly communicating on a transactional level. Don’t be afraid to ask.