One of the more frustrating aspects I observe in couples’ behaviour is the reluctance for a partner to ask.
‘I don’t like to ask,’ ‘I shouldn’t have to ask,’ ‘I’m not used to asking, ‘I feel awkward if I have to ask.’
My simple response is that your partner is not a mind reader - and through counselling - we can explore and learn better ways to ask.
Even the most healthy connections can struggle with making a request.
All I would say is that the consequence of being unable to ask can often result in growing resentment and an ‘in tray’ of grievances and disappointment.
So how to ask well? A simple rule is to start your sentences with the word ‘I’ not ‘You’. ‘I would really appreciate a conversation about this.’ ‘I have been feeling a little ignored/ unhappy/ irritated….’
Perhaps even invite your partner to the conversation to create a greater sense of control and reasonableness. It may sound obvious but sit down to talk. Or have the conversation outside as it may make you feel more in control.
By asking we are making ourselves vulnerable because our partner may refuse to listen or consider the request. It feels like a risk. Sex often crops up as an area in which asking feels so dangerous due to the fear of rejection. This is why as well as learning the best ways to ask, couples also need to learn how best to respond. This can be practised in counselling.
I really believe by simply having the conversation – even if no solution or compromise can be found – is a healthy first step and can create a greater sense of connection.
In my seven years’ experience of working with couples, the most difficult relationships to turn around are those in which communication has pretty much disintegrated and partners are mostly communicating on a transactional level. Don’t be afraid to ask.