In the eight years I have been practising, I have worked with multiple couples who have approached me for counselling following an infidelity.

I have found that in the first few weeks, there is very little interventionist work you can do. The relationship has suffered a massive rupture and the role of counselling, in this first instance, is often simply to ‘hold’ the couple in place.

They have come to counselling after the shock of infidelity is discovered or confessed. The couple is gripped by fear and pain and to sit with it, unsupported, feels close to unbearable. In most instances, while the sexual infidelity wounds deeply, more often it is the lies which have been told to enable the infidelity which create the deepest wound.

As a couples’ counsellor I am duty bound to be non-judgemental and manage both individuals with equal positive regard.

As a positive, the fact the couple has come to counselling indicates to me they want to make sense of what has happened and, if possible, find a way through to create a new version of their relationship.

Trust, once shattered, can take many months, even years, to be cautiously restored.

While there is no ‘one size fits all’ approach, I believe that total transparency on the part of the cheating partner has to be offered. This means access to their phone, putting defensiveness completely to one side.

There does come a point though when a cheating partner can only be remorseful for so long.

When I sense a shift, we can then work on rebuilding the relationship with the aim of creating a new version in which there is greater acknowledgement of how and why the infidelity occurred.

Often – but not always - infidelity can be a consequence of unmet needs in a relationship, emotional and/or sexual. There can be contextual reasons ie if one person feels stressed, one partner feels bored, the relationship has slipped into a rut.

There can sometimes be historical attachment-based reasons which prompt a partner to stray. But all too often, the relationship has become predictable or too transaction based; the key ingredients for a successful relationship such as having fun together, having a separate individual life and spending quality time together have been neglected.

It is my role to help the couple break this down and come to a mutual understanding of what needs to change in their relationship for it to thrive.

Often, after the initial tranche of work, I will send the couple away and we will follow up with monthly sessions which will hopefully encourage them to stay focused but also feel more secure they can overcome the infidelity without the regular therapy sessions.

I have found it is a formula which, by and large, seems to work.