Sex isn’t going to appear from nowhere when you’ve emptied washing the machine, paid the council tax and tried to get your kids back to sleep for the third time in six hours. Understandably you are in a constant state of exhaustion.
Even without day to day pressures, after a while, in a long term relationship, sex rarely happens spontaneously. This can be partly out of tiredness and routine. But we also know that desire in long-term relationships involves two needs that push against each other. On the one hand, we need security, familiarity and predictability. But we also need adventure, unpredictability and surprise.
The problem is that we are asking all of this from one person.
Bringing back passion into a relationship takes a deliberate effort. Don’t wait for it because it won’t come to you by itself.
In my eight years working as a couples’ therapist I have become more and more an advocate of couples scheduling sex. It is particularly useful when there are young children around but it can work just as well for any couple at any stage in their relationship.
There has been a lot of solid research in this area with many of the best studies emerging from Norway, a country which consciously endeavours to explore diverse markers of wellbeing within its population.
A couples’ satisfaction with their physical relationship is a key indicator of how contented their life is.
This means couples have to deliberately create opportunities and space to be with each other in a sexual or at least a physical way.
It may feel awkward at first.
As explained by Esther Perel, the qualities of a relationship that grow love – mutuality, protection, safety, predictability, responsibility for the other – are the very things that will smother desire.
The secret to desire lies in being able to stay connected with the childlike part of ourselves that’s playful, humorous, selfish, while also being able to be generous, considerate and respectful.
Scheduling sex can be done in a playful way. It can even elongate the intimacy between a couple as there is this secret agreement between the two of you which involves anticipation and alignment. You are saying to one another this is important to our relationship. I am taking care of it, prioritising it. This is important for us and for me.
So when one of you becomes aware sex hasn’t featured in your life for what feels too long, have a conversation about it, maybe consider couples’ counselling – or get your diaries out.