I have noticed a recurring pattern in a number of my individual clients who have been referred to me via their employer assistance programmes.

These programmes are becoming more and more popular among employers who want to take care of their work force and see one very useful way of doing this is through an external provider which can offer time limited, solution focused counselling support.

I have been doing solution focused work alongside my couples’ therapy for almost two years. I have seen the difference it can make to individual clients - and I can also see the benefits for employers who want support their staff by offering practical support which will ideally enable them to remain in work.

Now, this may seem a minor observation - but it isn’t.

I have worked with a number of clients who say ‘sorry’ far too often, instinctively, unthinkingly, automatically. Their conversation is littered with apologies and frequently, a client will start any response or question with the phrase, ‘Sorry if this is a silly question ….’

It’s something I try to immediately address. Apologising is a skill, and a precious one. But if it is used too often we have to think what purpose it is serving for us.
When it is a maladaptive response, it is often something we inherit from childhood. The client, now an adult, discovered, growing up, that ‘sorry’ was a useful word within the family structure and apologising became a way to try to avoid shame, embarrassment and discomfort.

By responding in this way to me, even before a word has been spoken, my client has judged, dismissed and invalidated themselves. “I acknowledge what you are about to see in me or find out about me.” “I am only too aware and recognise my shortcomings.”

By apologising, my client is trying to take control over something that is beyond their control ie how I will perceive them. The ‘sorry’ is a means to control this because they feel out of control.

It is hard for clients to catch themselves in order to stop. How can you catch the self-criticism, interrupt it and find more self-compassionate ways to see yourself?

Firstly, we have to unpick the family dynamic and explore from where these ‘sorries’ originate. Often it is the result of a critical parent, of not feeling good enough as a child, of believing you are a disappointment to your family. Bullying at school can also be a factor and a feeling that you don’t belong or fit in.
Revisiting this can be painful but also restorative, bringing greater self-awareness which will hopefully result in greater self-compassion.

But then on to the next step. How can you change years of automatic response? Everyone is different but once the client can accept what lies underneath the apology, there is a real understanding and motivation to change.

Some simple ideas - count in your head to three before answering or choose another stock phrase instead of “I’m sorry. Maybe something like “I see”, or a simple ‘ok’, any phrase which makes people know they have been heard but doesn’t start you down the path of apology for who you are. Sorry can be the hardest word.