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How to choose a celebrant?

How to choose a celebrant?

How to choose a celebrant?

There are lots of crossovers between choosing a celebrant and a therapist, particularly, if like me, you specialise in relationship counselling.

You want a ‘human’ by your side, someone who listens, understands and can celebrate the joy a great relationship can offer.

These are the key questions:

  • Do I feel comfortable?
  • Can I easily chat and share thoughts and ideas?
  • Are they on my wavelength?
  • Am I engaged by them?

You need to connect with your celebrant; you are putting a lot of trust in them. Whatever their style, you need to feel confident this is a relationship that is going to work for you.
As with counselling, you can draw up a short list of maybe three - and ask for a no obligation, free initial chat. If it’s possible, do it face to face, although online is a reliable fall back.
You can probably tell within the first few minutes as to whether this is a person you trust and feel relaxed with.

There are a few other considerations:

  • Is the celebrant a strong communicator –written and verbal
  • Are they warm, friendly ?
  • Are they really listening?
  • How flexible are they?

Once you get past first base you can ask for an outline structure of how they envisage your wedding, the style and tone they have interpreted from your conversation, the key elements which must be included.

For my clients I always factor in a couple of re-drafts: I like to do the first draft pretty much after meeting the couple while their voices are still in my head.

The draft is sent for a first round of comments and amends and then I always suggest a final amend/edit, probably about four weeks before the ceremony. You might have had some new thoughts or memories in the interim.

As so often, trust your instinct. For a big decision such as this, it very rarely lets you down.

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Sex: forget spontaneity – schedule instead

Sex isn’t going to appear from nowhere when you’ve emptied washing the machine, paid the council tax and tried to get your kids back to sleep for the third time in six hours. Understandably you are in a constant state of exhaustion.

Even without day to day pressures, after a while, in a long term relationship, sex rarely happens spontaneously. This can be partly out of tiredness and routine. But we also know that desire in long-term relationships involves two needs that push against each other. On the one hand, we need security, familiarity and predictability. But we also need adventure, unpredictability and surprise.

The problem is that we are asking all of this from one person.

Bringing back passion into a relationship takes a deliberate effort. Don’t wait for it because it won’t come to you by itself.

In my eight years working as a couples’ therapist I have become more and more an advocate of couples scheduling sex. It is particularly useful when there are young children around but it can work just as well for any couple at any stage in their relationship.

There has been a lot of solid research in this area with many of the best studies emerging from Norway, a country which consciously endeavours to explore diverse markers of wellbeing within its population.

A couples’ satisfaction with their physical relationship is a key indicator of how contented their life is.
This means couples have to deliberately create opportunities and space to be with each other in a sexual or at least a physical way.

It may feel awkward at first.

As explained by Esther Perel, the qualities of a relationship that grow love – mutuality, protection, safety, predictability, responsibility for the other – are the very things that will smother desire.

The secret to desire lies in being able to stay connected with the childlike part of ourselves that’s playful, humorous, selfish, while also being able to be generous, considerate and respectful.

Scheduling sex can be done in a playful way. It can even elongate the intimacy between a couple as there is this secret agreement between the two of you which involves anticipation and alignment. You are saying to one another this is important to our relationship. I am taking care of it, prioritising it. This is important for us and for me.

So when one of you becomes aware sex hasn’t featured in your life for what feels too long, have a conversation about it, maybe consider couples’ counselling – or get your diaries out.

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Make It Feel Authentic to you

There are currently two ways to be legally married in the UK: a religious service, typically at a church or, secondly, at a licensed venue such as a registry office which is often within a council building or courtroom.

If you are not religious, the choice is really whether a ceremony at a registry office will suffice or whether you would prefer a more personal celebrant-led ceremony as well.

Celebrants cannot perform legally binding marriages in England and Wales although this may change soon as it is being considered as part of the Law Commission weddings review.

More and more couples are going for a small registry office option followed by a celebrant led ceremony.

As a celebrant I cannot imagine being married by someone I had never met. I would also struggle with the idea of my wedding simply being the next one on a conveyor belt of ceremonies when timings can be pretty rigid.

Most couples who opt for a celebrant tend to go to their local registry office a couple of days before their wedding. This ceremony can be as simple as you like – you are there to sign documents and you don’t even have to exchange rings.

The real celebration, with their family and friends can take place wherever they like and whenever they like.

Whatever you choose – church, registrar or celebrant – it should reflect the style and size of the celebration you want – and feel authentic to you.

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Choose Freedom – Choose a Celebrant

A celebrant wedding allows you complete freedom to express your ideas and words, declaring in public why you have chosen each other.

I am sure we have all been to weddings which feel dry, lack personality and which can feel like a box ticking exercise.

For some, that can be enough.

But I feel a wedding ceremony – and the official start of your life together – should be more. It’s an opportunity to find the best words which reflect the way you feel about one another and what you are committing to the relationship.

As a couples’ counsellor I believe it’s important to think about these words and why you have chosen one another. The ceremony should draw in your guests, be filled with laughter and share the unique story that belongs to you.

Above all, your ceremony should not be boring. Let’s think outside the box.

I am in the throes of writing a wedding script for a fantastic couple. When I first met them were rather shy about sharing their reasons as to why they chose each other. Both academics, they were worried it would all sound a bit over the top and schmaltzy.

Honestly, if you can’t show off a bit on your wedding day, when can you?

Through a careful choice of words and using humour at the right points, they are now one hundred per cent on board and totally comfortable with the script. As an ex-journalist I can normally find the right words and tone.

Think of your ceremony as a glorious painting with the shapes, colours and expression entirely for you to imagine and create. The canvas is blank and you have complete freedom to fill it however you want.

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Are You Asking Enough?

One of the more frustrating aspects I observe in couples’ behaviour is the reluctance for a partner to ask.

‘I don’t like to ask,’ ‘I shouldn’t have to ask,’ ‘I’m not used to asking, ‘I feel awkward if I have to ask.’
My simple response is that your partner is not a mind reader - and through counselling - we can explore and learn better ways to ask.

Even the most healthy connections can struggle with making a request.

All I would say is that the consequence of being unable to ask can often result in growing resentment and an ‘in tray’ of grievances and disappointment.

So how to ask well? A simple rule is to start your sentences with the word ‘I’ not ‘You’. ‘I would really appreciate a conversation about this.’ ‘I have been feeling a little ignored/ unhappy/ irritated….’

Perhaps even invite your partner to the conversation to create a greater sense of control and reasonableness. It may sound obvious but sit down to talk. Or have the conversation outside as it may make you feel more in control.

By asking we are making ourselves vulnerable because our partner may refuse to listen or consider the request. It feels like a risk. Sex often crops up as an area in which asking feels so dangerous due to the fear of rejection. This is why as well as learning the best ways to ask, couples also need to learn how best to respond. This can be practised in counselling.

I really believe by simply having the conversation – even if no solution or compromise can be found – is a healthy first step and can create a greater sense of connection.

In my seven years’ experience of working with couples, the most difficult relationships to turn around are those in which communication has pretty much disintegrated and partners are mostly communicating on a transactional level. Don’t be afraid to ask.

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